The Queen’s Code Deep Dive #1: Words That Heal, Patterns That Shape
Book Club Reflections on Language, Energy, and Relationship Dynamics
Last night’s Mantra's Movement Book Club gathered our largest circle yet—bringing together diverse voices in a shared exploration of The Queen’s Code by Alison Armstrong (pages 1 to 71). What unfolded was a deeply honest and compassionate conversation about how language, perception, and unconscious patterns shape our relationships.
The Frog Farmer: Criticism vs. Curiosity
We began with the powerful “frog farmer” concept—how women (and anyone, really) can unintentionally "energetically castrate" others through criticism, shame, or guilt. Rather than inspiring growth, this can cut off motivation and self-trust.
One insight echoed strongly:
“When someone is called lazy, maybe they’re just deeply tired. When someone is called defensive, maybe something inside them needs protecting.”
The group reflected on the impact of calling in with curiosity rather than calling out with blame—and how words can either wound or elevate.
Patterns Beyond Gender
This wasn’t just about women and men—it was about all of us.
We explored how criticism often reflects our own inner struggles, and how we tend to objectify or judge what we don’t understand.
“This book isn’t just about relationships—it’s about recognizing the masculine and feminine energies we all carry and learning how to bring them into harmony.”
Language as a Tool for Connection
From “wrathful compassion” to gentle reinforcement, we examined different motivational styles and how they land across genders and personalities. Athletes in the group noted the push-pull of hard coaching vs. encouragement, and the different ways people feel called forward.
One theme stood out:
“We become what we are spoken to as.”
This sparked awareness around how often our beliefs about others create the very behavior we fear.
The Power of Self-Fulfilling Prophecies
Perhaps the most resonant takeaway of the night:
“We think men are a certain way, so we treat them like that… and they become that.”
We explored how shifting internal dialogue changes external outcomes. Jealousy became admiration. Insecurity became an invitation to shine. The group affirmed the importance of being intentional with our language and generous with our assumptions.
Perfectionism & Belonging
Perfection as protection—this idea struck a chord.
“We try to be perfect to be pleasing, and pleasing to be safe.”
And yet, too much perfection creates distance.
We uncovered that the antidote is community that celebrates our shine, not competes with it. Safety isn’t found in shrinking—it's found in being seen.
Community: The Relationship Container
We explored the role of community in supporting healthy relationships, with a clear reminder:
“Our friends should be advocates for our partners.”
When we surround ourselves with people who want to see our relationships thrive—not fuel our frustrations—we create a stronger foundation for growth, repair, and connection.
The Emotional Impact of Criticism
The emotional weight of criticism, especially between women and men, became deeply personal:
“It makes me not want to show up in the world. Like nothing I do is ever enough.”
A tender truth arose: most of us are walking around with our inner 8-year-old exposed. When we lead with empathy, curiosity, and care, we create space for that part of us—and others—to feel safe again.
Final Reflections
As we closed, we named our truths:
Language is alchemy—it creates or destroys.
Criticism shrinks. Curiosity inspires.
Growth is not gendered. It’s human.
True community helps us unlearn shame and rewrite our stories.
And perfection? It’s a mask we wear when we’re afraid we won’t belong.
We’re here to try something different. And we’re doing it—together.
Your Turn: Reflect & Comment
Choose one of the following questions and share your response in the comments. Be sure to include which question you’re answering at the top of your reply:
Reflective Questions:
Where in your life do you notice criticism showing up, and how could you shift to curiosity instead?
What’s a belief you hold about others that may be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy?
What kind of community do you need in order to feel safe enough to shine?
We’d love to hear your perspective. Let’s continue the conversation—your voice matters.
Much Love,
Mantras Movement