Getting Real Finale 

The Inner World and What We Want

Covering pages 168 through the end of the book, the evening began with the men and women together for a change. We opened with a grounding meditation that invited each person to connect with their inner dialogue and foreground awareness. 

The reflections picked up where we left off last week - inquiring about what we wanted. The responses revealed a collective hunger for lightness: "I want to have fun, love life, let go and just play." Another shared wanting to feel good enough without accomplishment, while others expressed desires for deeper self-connection, authentic expression without control patterns, and the freedom to be joyful rather than needing joy.

 

Real-World Application and the Language of Resentment

Multiple men shared experiences practicing the resentment exercise from the book, with notably mixed results. One attempted it with a friend over a misunderstanding, describing it as "very uncomfortable" but ultimately valuable for getting to the root of issues. Another shared how expressing resentment initially "went really bad" but led to important secondary conversations, particularly when his friend had an unhealthy attachment to the word "resentment" itself.

The group examined the aggressive nature of Susan Campbell's prescribed language. As one woman noted, "I resent you for this" feels like "this person wants to throw hands," while "I'm feeling resentment about this" creates less defensiveness. The discussion revealed the approach of "safe-porting"—telling someone what you're going to do before you do it—rather than launching directly into difficult conversations.

This discussion around expressing resentment took on immediate relevance when one of the brothers expressed real resentment toward another for speaking about concepts he hadn't read, violating the group's collective agreement. This moment turned into a beautiful example of getting real and it's impacts.  

 

Container Accountability and the Sacred Combat of Standards

The authentic expression of resentment—"I'm feeling resentful towards XYZ for speaking about the conversation while admitting not reading the last three or four chapters"—created palpable tension in the room. Rather than defensiveness, XYZ owned his actions, and the group used this as a catalyst for establishing concrete procedures and accountability measures.

As one man put it: "This is a book club. Showing up not read is like going to basketball practice and not bringing your shoes." The group embraced humor while maintaining the serious intention of extracting wisdom from each person's perspective on the material.

The energy shifted from conflict to commitment, with everyone acknowledging this is exactly what they signed up for—authentic accountability between brothers.

 

Vulnerability as Skill-Building, Not Weaponization

The topic of the discomfort of vulnerability emerged as internal training rather than emotional exhibitionism. One man realized he had "weaponized vulnerability," saying things that shocked others without actually allowing their energy to impact him. He distinguished between using vulnerability as a smokescreen versus genuine openness to being affected.

The group examined the association between vulnerability and discomfort, with several men sharing how vulnerability increasingly feels empowering rather than threatening. One described discovering he wasn't nearly as vulnerable as he thought—he could speak candidly about processed experiences but feared being seen "in the mess in the middle of it."

The concept of being "the noticer" rather than identifying with emotions provided a framework for healthier vulnerability. Instead of "I am anxious," the practice becomes "I notice anxiety"—similar to walking into an Italian restaurant and smelling garlic without thinking "I'm garlicky."

 

Emotions as Messengers and the Practice of Presence

A brother shared his approach to processing difficult emotions through meditation and surrender work, describing how he learned to sit with depression as a presence in the room rather than something to defend against or escape. He developed the practice of asking emotions: "What message do you have for me? You're here in my nervous system for a legitimate reason."

This led to the insight that emotions function as text messages from the body, often communicating through sensations and feelings rather than words. The practice involves noticing sensations, identifying accompanying feelings, and sitting with them long enough for the message to be fully received and processed.

One man powerfully demonstrated this principle while supporting his cousin through a traumatic situation where her boyfriend committed suicide. By staying present with his own feelings while holding space for hers, he was able to guide her through processing the experience in real time rather than avoiding it for decades.

 

The Rewards of Getting Real: Serenity, Presence, and Compassion

The group reflected on the book's promise that getting real cultivates serenity, presence, and compassion. Serenity was defined as inner peace knowing you're okay no matter what happens. Presence emerged as energetic aliveness and availability for whatever life brings. Compassion was described as being moved by others' suffering without becoming dramatic or needing to assign blame.

Several men shared how practicing these principles created more internal space, allowing them to be more present and pick up on subtleties they previously missed. One noted that compassion seems to arise naturally when not taking others' behavior personally, rather than being something that requires effort.

The conversation touched on the challenge of maintaining boundaries while offering compassion—learning to say "I have 20 minutes" rather than being taken for an emotional ride by someone else's process.

 

Key Insights from the Final Chapters

The group highlighted several transformative concepts from the book's conclusion:

Embracing Not-Knowing: The recognition that "the belief that knowing is better than not knowing is one of the fundamental dysfunctional beliefs of our culture' . The illusion of control through appearing knowledgeable prevents us from experiencing the genuine surprise and discovery that make life engaging.

The Power of Silence: Many realized they had difficulty tolerating silence, constantly filling space with music or noise. The book's self-assessment quiz revealed how silence allows feelings to be fully experienced, both our own and those being exchanged with others.

Innocence and Infinite Second Chances: A foundational theme emerged around core innocence—the understanding that none of us intends to harm others, even when we do. Combined with the concept of infinite second chances, this creates space for continuous honesty and growth without the burden of perfection.

 

Rules of Engagement and Sacred Language

A powerful moment occurred when one man addressed the group's language patterns, specifically the habit of referring to women as "guys." He expressed how this conflicted with his reverence for the feminine and our standards—that women are only to be referred to by first names or terms of endearment.

The women were consulted and expressed appreciation for the mindfulness, agreeing that "women" and "ladies" felt more honoring. This moment demonstrated the group's commitment to their established standards and willingness to refine their awareness when called forward by a brother.

 

Feedback and Evolution

The group celebrated this being their favorite book club experience, with particular appreciation for:

• Real-world application and practice exercises
• Slower pace allowing deeper integration
• Opportunities for smaller group work building to larger discussions
• The safety to practice difficult conversations before taking them into the world

Suggestions included more integrated men/women discussion time, continuing to balance separate processing with combined perspectives, and occasional revisiting of powerful books as the group evolves.

The women shared appreciation for the practice opportunities and how supported they felt in the container, noting how this made taking these conversations into their outside relationships feel less daunting.

 

Closing Reflections

As the group concluded their journey through "Getting Real," the emphasis remained on application over intellectual understanding. Multiple stories of real-world practice—from resentment exercises to boundary-setting to supporting others through crisis—demonstrated that transformation happens through repeated willingness to be uncomfortable in service of deeper authenticity.

Keep going within. 

Much Love
Mantras