Book Of Joy Deep Dive #4: Envy, Death, and Finding Peace in the Present

This week's deep dive covered the sections from “Envy: That Guy Goes Past Yet Again in His Mercedes-Benz” through “Meditation: Now I'll Tell You a Secret Thing".

Book of Joy Reflections 

Last night’s circle took us deep into the territory of envy, mortality, and the ways we meet life’s most challenging moments. The teachings of the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu came alive through our own lived experiences — laughter, vulnerability, and raw truth weaving together into something more than just discussion.

Envy: When Desire Expands vs. When It Shrinks

We began with a Tibetan Buddhist teaching about three destructive patterns — envy toward those above us, competitiveness with equals, and contempt toward those below. The conversation quickly turned to a powerful distinction: the difference between envy that creates separation and admiration that fuels possibility.

Envy says, “I resent you for having what I want.”
Admiration says, “I see what’s possible and feel inspired.”

One reflection hit especially hard: if you spot it, you’ve got it. The qualities we notice in others often mirror something already alive in us, simply waiting for expression. Gratitude emerged as the antidote — a shift from “I can’t have that” to “How can I create something like this in my own way?” One member even shared how reframing social media envy into admiration completely changed their physical and emotional well-being, transforming comparison into manifestation.

The deeper question became: does what you desire make you feel small and less-than, or does it expand your sense of what’s possible?

The “We’ll See” Approach to Suffering

In small groups, we reflected on the story of a man whose horse runs away — a reminder that it’s impossible to know in the moment whether something is good or bad. What first appears as loss can hold the seed of an unexpected blessing.

Many shared moments when adversity cracked open a new path they never could have imagined. The practice of saying “we’ll see” invites us to pause, to stay curious instead of rushing to judgment. One takeaway landed like truth in the room: fear is simply faith in what you don’t want — and what we feed with our attention has a way of growing.

Mortality, Illness, and Living in Full Awareness

The conversation deepened as we explored illness and the inevitability of death. A death doula among us spoke about sitting with the dying — including a woman in constant physical pain who radiated absolute peace. Her story revealed that acceptance can transform even the most difficult realities.

We heard from members who had faced chronic illness, near-death experiences, and the loss of loved ones. Each story held a thread of clarity: when we remember death, we start living with more presence. As one member put it, “We’re dying right now. We don’t have to wait for a crisis to remember what matters.”

The Women’s Circle: Capacity, Grief, and Compassionate Boundaries

Before rejoining the larger group, the women’s space explored the importance of not locking people into fixed stories. It’s easy to say, “They can’t meet me at this level,” and remove them from our circle — but capacity changes. Someone’s “no” today might become a “yes” in the future, if we allow them to grow beyond the narrative we’ve created about them.

We spoke about the cultural stencil around grief — the unspoken rules of what it should look like. When we deviate from that image, we can convince ourselves we’re not “doing it right,” leading to self-imposed isolation. In truth, grief is deeply individual, and compassion asks that we release the assumption we understand someone else’s process.

There was reflection on the choice between holding grudges for how people show up during our grief, or offering grace for the fact that they may grieve differently. We named the importance of stating our needs out loud, seeing if they can be met, and then deciding how to proceed.

Envy returned as a theme — how it can be alchemized through motivation, gratitude, and reframing. Death also took on a broader meaning, including the “death of self” that comes with identity shifts and personal transformation. Some women spoke of fearing death and clinging to what’s familiar; others described peace with death as a natural part of life.

The circle closed with a reminder that we can always hold others in the light — even if we disagree with their choices — while protecting ourselves with compassion and curiosity.

Meditation, Practice, and the Space Between Stimulus and Response

We ended the night with practical tools for meeting life with more presence. Some shared the discipline of cold plunges, qigong, or martial arts as moving meditation. Others spoke of mantras, breathwork, walking meditations, and sensory grounding through touch and scent.

The shared wisdom was clear: presence is not a gift we stumble upon — it’s a muscle we build.

Your Turn to Reflect

Where in your life could you turn envy into admiration and let it inspire you?

What story about someone’s “capacity” might you be ready to release so they can grow?

If you woke each morning remembering your own mortality, how would it change the way you live today?

Choose one of these questions, reflect on it, and share your thoughts in the comments — be sure to note which question you’re answering. Your insight might be exactly what someone else needs to read.

Keep Going Within!

We look forward to dropping in with you next week as we discuss the first three sections of The Eight Pillars of Joy and their accompanying exercises in the back of the book under Joy Practices. 

Much Love, 

Mantras